I am not sure if I am a vegetarian because I am a good person or because I am a self-righteous arsehole.

After I read Animal Liberation by Peter Singer I became vegan for a week until I got drunk and made an omelette for myself when you weren’t looking.

I negatively judge anybody who owns Nike shoes.

I negatively judge anybody who doesn’t own Nike shoes just because they want to make a statement about respecting human rights.

I negatively judge anybody who has less than 2143 songs on their mp3 player.

I negatively judge anybody who has over 9040 songs on their mp3 player.

I negatively judge anybody who talks about how many songs they have on their mp3 player.

Every time you turn on the central heating I tell you that central heating is the leading cause of global warming and turn it off again.

I negatively judge anybody who doesn’t have Facebook, a blog, and Flickr, Hypemachine, Last.fm, Tumblr, Muxtape and Vimeo accounts.

I don’t negatively judge anybody who has a Myspace account, but I negatively judge anybody who posts bulletins with their Myspace account.

I drive a motor scooter which does 80 kilometres to the litre so that when we reach peak oil I will not feel as guilty as you will.

I negatively judge anybody who has a favourite football team.

I negatively judge anybody who watches sport to affirm their masculinity.

I negatively judge anybody who drinks beer to affirm their masculinity.

I negatively judge anybody who reads celebrity gossip to affirm their femininity.

I don’t negatively judge anybody who wears perfume, but I negatively judge anybody who wears perfume to smell more like other people of their gender.

I negatively judge anybody who doesn’t think cross-dressing looks like fun.

I negatively judge anybody who talks about dieting when they aren’t really all that fat.

I don’t negatively judge McDonald’s, but I negatively judge people who are clearly fat who go to McDonald’s.

I print out an essay about deforestation on 87 sheets of recycled paper.